Dear brother, this is lesson No. 17 of the series Children Upbringing in Islam and we are still tackling the psychological education.

Establishes a connection with Allah and He will cast light into your heart:

 First of all: The Hikmah (wisdom) that is mentioned in the following Ayah, is granted only to the believer:

﴾ And he, to whom Hikmah is granted, is indeed granted abundant good.﴿

[Al-Baqarah, 269]

 When man establishes a connection with Allah the Almighty, Allah in return will grant him Hikmah, so it is granted Divinely not taken. You might be the cleverest man on earth, but without a connection with Allah you may commit the most stupid mistake, because you are deprived of Hikmah. Due to the believer's connection with Allah, Allah casts His Light into his heart with which he can see the right as right and the wrong as wrong, and he can see goodness as goodness and evil as evil.

 I will give you a simple example: A man got married to a woman, but after five months of their marriage, she was in her ninth month of pregnancy (obviously from another man prior her marriage). He could have divorced her, which was fair enough, and he could have scandalized her and it was fair as well. If he had explained why he did that, no one would have gone against him, not even her family. Yet, he wanted to give her a chance to repent, so he brought a midwife to deliver her baby. After that, he took the baby under his garment, he stood in front of Masjid Al-Ward, he waited till the Imam started praying, and he put the baby by the door and went in to pray with the rest. Upon finishing Salah, the baby cried, so all the people gathered around him, and at that moment, he joined the crowd wondering about the matter.

 They said, "Come and see for yourself; it is an abandoned baby." He said, "Give him to me, I will sponsor him and raise him as my own son", so he took him, witnessed by all the people in the neighborhood, and he gave him back to his mother. He was an abandoned baby in the eyes of the neighbors. This story started when the Imam of a very famous Masjid called Al-Ward dreamed of the Prophet PBUH telling him, "Say to your neighbor that he is my companion in Paradise." This glad tiding was because he earned Allah's Content by saving his wife from this big sin and by bringing her son back to her to raise him.

The happiest person is the wise one:

 Dear brother, believe me, and I am not exaggerating, when you establish a connection with Allah the Almighty, and when you perfect your prayers, Allah will cast His Light into your heart and with this Light you would be able to see the right as right, the falsehood as falsehood, the goodness as goodness, the evil as evil, the virtue as virtue and the vice as vice.

 The one, who is blessed with Hikmah, will be happy even if his wife is not very beautiful, but when man lacks this Hikmah, he will be miserable even if his wife is the most beautiful woman on earth. Also, with Hikmah you can raise your children to be dutiful to you, but when you lack Hikmah, you will raise undutiful children. With Hikmah you will be satisfied with limited financial resources, but when you lack this Hikmah you will spend lavishly any unlimited income. Believe me when Allah decrees to give you Hikmah, you will become the happiest man in your household, with your wife, with your children, at work, with regards to your health, concerning your affairs, in your settlement and when you are on travel.

﴾And he, to whom Hikmah is granted, is indeed granted abundant good.﴿

[Al-Baqarah, 269]

 This Hikmah is the outcome of having a connection with Allah the Almighty.

The most crucial decision in raising children is choosing the mother:

 Regarding the psychological education of children, the father is in dire need of having Hikmah, and the wisest decision man may ever take regarding his children's upbringing starts before their birth, for it starts with choosing their mother rightly.

((Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (PBUH) said, "A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!"))

[Abu Ya'la and Ibn Habban]

 The wife you choose is the mother of your children, and she is the one who will raise them and teach them honesty, trustworthiness and chastity. A little child stole an egg once and brought it to his mother, who praised him for his deed, blessed it and kissed him, so he was encouraged to go further in his corruption until he was sentenced to death. Before he was hanged, he asked to see his mother, so they brought his mother, and upon seeing her he said, "O mother stretch your tongue out in order to kiss it", but when she did that, he cut her tongue off and said, "Had it not been for your encouraging tongue, I would not have ended here." You should select your wife carefully, so did you do that?

 A very strange phenomenon is going viral these days, for most of young men are seeking beauty only in the future wife, in addition to other characteristics which cannot be found but in 5 % of young women. Such men are seeking pleasure only in the future wife, forgetting that she will become the mother of their children who will raise them and teach them honesty, trustworthiness, chastity and uprightness. Therefore, I address every mother, "The highest scientific degree you may ever acquire is the good upbringing of your children, and it is higher than any PHD, for when you raise them on virtues and uprightness, you will give the society effective members.

The requirements of psychological education:

1- Choose your children's mother wisely:

 In order to raise your children according to Islam, you and your wife should be on the same page. How many are the fathers who do their best in raising their children while their wives devastate their efforts! This happens when the father says to his son, "O son offer your prayer", but the wife says, "Leave him alone, he is tired", and every time the father gives any instruction to the child, his wife opposes him, simply because he did not choose the right mother for his children. The believing mother, on the other hand, will be on the same page with the father, and they both raise their children well. I am addressing the youth:

((…Select the pious, may you be blessed!))

 Your wife is the mother of your children, who will live with them and raise them, and in order to achieve that goal, both of you should be on the same page, and her cooperation is the outcome of her religious status and her keenness on obeying her Lord and raising her children according to Allah's Method. Therefore, choosing the right wife is the first requisite in the psychological education of children.

2- Avoid punishing the child before teaching him what is considered wrong:

 The second requirement of the psychological education is about a rule that goes as follows: No one should be punished for an error before being informed that it is an error. Lots of fathers get angry because of a certain behavior of their children and they hit them accordingly, but have they ever asked themselves first if they elaborated to them that this is an error? Have they ever held themselves responsible for falling short in teaching their children what is right and what is wrong? Have they ever informed their children that their behavior is not accepted? If they have never done that, then they have no right to punish their children, because they do not know whether they misbehave or not, and in this case fathers should not hit, rebuke, badmouth or humiliate their children before their siblings.

 Talk to your child about the behavior you dislike, and tell him that he has five chances throughout the year, and calmly deal with him when he uses his chances one by one. This method most likely will make him avoid certain unacceptable behavior in order to avoid punishment. Generally speaking whoever obeys your stick is actually disobeying you (because he obeys you out of fear of your stick). When the father hastens to hit his child, to badmouth him and to call him names, the home will turn into a very gloomy environment for the child.

3- Avoiding violence in the domestic household:

 I keep repeating these words: Your children should feel as if they are celebrating a happy ceremony when you enter the house. Otherwise, you fail as a father since your family is very pleased whenever you leave the house. The harsh father, who hits his children and badmouth them, teaches the other members of the family to follow his steps, so the older brother will hit the younger one, the older daughter will be harsh to her younger sister, and the youngest child will hurt the cat and such a house is full of violence, shouting, badmouthing and smashing stuffs. In concise, this is a house where the devil dwells.

﴾ And enjoin As-Salat (the prayer) on your family, and be patient in offering them [i.e. the Salat (prayers)].﴿

[Ta-Ha, 132]

 Dear brother, some households are very calm, full of cooperation (among the family members) and full of affection. I always admire the man whose household is coherent and full of love, and I admire his wisdom, reason and cleverness, because he turns his home into a real Paradise. Hitting children and badmouthing them are not the right educational methods to children. Instead, you can write down all their mistakes and pay lots of efforts to deal with them, given raising children is a burdensome mission, and it needs patience and perseverance. Hitting and badmouthing are easy ways, but they never solve any problems other than bringing comfort to the angry father. However, these harsh methods will build a barrier between the son and his father.

4- Avoid punishing the children before their friends, relatives or siblings:

 The fourth requirement of the psychological education: I would like all of you to avoid discussing your child's problems in front of his friends, relatives or siblings. It is recommended to do that between you and him, because by this way, even the harshest advice will be taken by him, because he will know that great love is behind it, and he will realize that you do not expose him in front of anyone. On the other hand, advising him in front of his sisters, friends and brother is not recommended, because you will be scandalizing him.

The father should teach his son instead of rebuking him:

  Dear brother, you should learn from the Prophet PBUH, who is the Master of mankind and the most endeared to Al-Haqq (Allah the Truth):

((Once, a young man came to the Prophet PBUH asking his permission to commit fornication. The Companions rebuked and hushed him, but the Prophet PBUH said, "Leave him alone. O servant of Allah, come closer." The young man did, and then the prophet PBUH said, "Do you like it for your mother?" The man said, "No", to which the Prophet PBUH commented, "Nor do people. Do you like it for your daughter?" He answered, "No", to which the Prophet PBUH said, "Nor do people. Do you like it for your sister?" "No", the young man replied. Then the Prophet PBUH said, "Nor do people. Do you like it for your aunt?" The young man answered, "No." Then the man said, "Be my witness, as I repent of fornication." In another narration he said, "I came to the Prophet PBUH and fornication was the dearest thing to me, but I went out and it was the most detestable thing to me.))

 Do not rebuke your son when he wants to do something wrong, but rather discuss it with him, show him the perils and explain to him how devastating a certain act will be to his interests, future, position and reputation, and tell him how this act will bring about Allah's Wrath. The Prophet PBUH said:

((Instruct sh3er, and do not rebuke them, for the instructor is better than the rebuker.))

[Al-Harith by Abi Hurairah]

The adult should be patient with the child:

  The older should be patient with the younger. Once I was at a conference where there was one of the most famous reauthorrs of the Quran, and there was also a student from Bosnia who loved this reauthorr very much, so he wanted to become close to him but he was not that good at Arabic language, so he wanted to say the following lines of poetry to him:

I love righteous people, but I am not one of them
Hoping to gain intercession because of them
I hate those whose goods are only sins
Though sins are my goods as they are theirs

 However, this Bosnian young man was not good at Arabic language, so he read the first line of poetry in a wrong way saying:

I love righteous people, but you are not one of them

 Instead of "but I am not one of them", so the reauthorr was outraged, and he rebuked the young man harshly, and the man was so ashamed and instead of drawing close to the reauthorr he was scolded, because he read one Arabic letter wrongly and he messed up.

 Our language is very delicate concerning the vowels, so sometimes, changing one vowel makes a terrible mistake. For example, once a man made a big mistake when he quoted a line of poetry (from our Master Khubaib bin Adi, may Allah be pleased with him). He said:

I do not care if I kill (which is in Arabic: Aqtulu) a Muslim
On any side (of my body) since I will be killed in Allah's Cause

 While the original poem is:

I do not care if I am killed as (which is in Arabic: Uqtalu) a Muslim
On any side (of my body) since I will be killed in Allah's Cause.
When your son does something foolish unintentionally, you should be patient with him.

The prudent is the one who builds the upbringing of his son on mutual trust:

 Frankly, whenever a father or a mother tells me over the phone that their son has stolen money without their permission, I say to them, "Do not say he has stolen, because stealing is a different issue, but this is his parents' house, and he does not know the limits." I for one believe that the upbringing of children should be based on trust, so put a sum of money for example in a drawer, and allow him to take his needs and give him the trust, in such a case your son will learn responsibility. For example, leave 500 Liras and a blank sheet of paper with a pen, and ask your son to take his need and to write down what he takes.

 Believe me this method worked like a charm with some people who applied it, for in this case the child will realize that nothing is held back from him. As a result, he will be ashamed to take more than his need, and all he has to do is just take the money he needs and write down what he takes.

 Talk to your son and stay away from suppressing, hitting, badmouthing and calling him names for these methods are outdated and never been proved to be useful. The Prophet PBUH gave us an example when he narrated to us this story:

((A man was riding his camel carrying his food and drink. He fell asleep and when he woke up, his camel was lost. He felt sad and started to cry until he fell asleep once again. When he woke up, he found his camel in front of him. He was so happy that he did not know what to say, so he said, "O Allah I am Your lord and You are my servant."))

 The Prophet PBUH did not comment on what that man said though it is a word of Kufr, because the man did not mean it that way, but he was so happy to such an extent that he said, "O Allah I am Your lord and You are my servant." Scholars said, "Not all of those who are involved in Kufr are Kuffar" (like the aforementioned example).

Violence, calling names and badmouthing are outdated and ineffective methods:

  If your son said a harsh word, be tolerant and follow the steps of Abu Hanifah, the knowledgeable venerable religious scholar. He had a noisy troublesome drunkard neighbor, who used to sing all the night using the lute.. His most favorite song was:

They have ruined me, and what a great man they have ruined!

 One night, Abu Hanifah did not hear any noise coming from the neighbor's house, so he asked about him, and soon learnt that for some reason or another the governor had imprisoned him. Being highly respected by the governor, Abu Hanifah helped his neighbor, the young profligate singer, to get out of prison, although the governor did not expect that Abu Hanifah, the venerable religious scholar, would himself come to intercede for such profligate man. However, Abu Hanifah took the young man by the hand and asked him, "O man! You say 'They have ruined me, and what a great man they have ruined!' Did we really ruin you?!" Such noble compassionate attitude on the part of Abu Hanifah towards his irreligious neighbor made him repent and reform. Hence, as a father, you are supposed to tolerate your son, be patient with him and never resort to violence, hitting, badmouthing and calling him names because these methods will not make a man out of him.

Harsh responses and sarcasm build barrier between you and the one you are teaching:

 Dear brother, children sometimes ask silly questions, but beware of making fun of the questions because if you do, he will never ask you again. I give this advice to the teachers, so that they will not say to a student upon asking a silly question, "Sit down you are fool and you understand nothing", because this will make him stop asking any further questions in the future. Instead, answer his question politely and say to the classroom, "Your friend has a point, and this matter is not very obvious to him, so I will answer his question". Encourage people to ask you, to discuss matters with you and be calm in dealing with them.

 I know teachers who raise Hell if the student does anything wrong and they would say, "You are idiot, you are so and so…" Believe me, whatever the teacher say will be instilled in the student's conscious for the next 20 years of his life and might cause him a complex. The Prophet PBUH said,

((Man is a construct from Allah, cursed is the one who demolishes it.))

 Children are endeared to Allah and they act upon their Fitrah, so harsh treatment and mockery are harmful to them. Once when I was in the university, a female student asked a silly question, and the dean was in that lecture, so he answered her cynically and made fun of her, so she said, "The Prophet PBUH said 'Be kind to women" (Rifqan bil Qawareer)'", to which the dean said (given she was obese), "The Prophet PBUH asked us to be kind to Qawareer (glass because women are fragile just like glass) but not to barrels." He went even further with in his harassment, and she was deeply hurt by his words. Hence, keep in mind:

((Man is a construct from Allah, cursed is the one who demolishes it.))

 Do not abash people, and follow the steps of the Prophet PBUH who never abashed any one. Do not embarrass sh3er, do not corner them and do not abash them, but rather turn a blind eye to their silliness, for any harsh treatment will prevent knowledge from spreading and will draw a veil between the teacher and the student.

Whoever wants to win people's hearts should stay away from sarcasm:

  A child came to the Masjid to offer Asr Salah where only seven people were in the first row, and upon joining that only row, one of the Muslims who mistakenly thought that there was a Hadith which ordered children to be in the second row, pushed that child to the second row where there was no one. That child was deeply hurt to such an extent that he never prayed in the Masjid for 55 years after that incident.
 Another man said to me, "When I was a little child, I came to the Masjid after Eid, putting on my new shoes. Following the prayer I got out only to find that my shoes were stolen. I went nuts over that shoes and cried my eyes out, but a very kind man took me to the shoe store and bought me the best pair of shoes they had and said to me, "Do not cry". This man swore by Allah that because of that charitable offer and tender behavior he never missed Fard in his life. Thus, do not drive people away from religion but rather bring them close to it.

((Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Make things easy and do not make them difficult, cheer the people up by conveying glad tidings to them and do not repulse (them).))

[Al-Bukhari and Muslim by Anas]

((Narrated 'Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her): The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately, and receive good news because one's good deeds will not make him enter Paradise." They asked, "Even you, O Allah's Messenger (PBUH)?" He said, "Even I, unless and until Allah bestows His pardon and Mercy on me."))

[Al-Bukhari by 'Aishah]

((Make things easy and do not make them difficult, cheer the people up by conveying glad tidings to them and do not repulse (them).))

 Some people brush their children away by their violent response, mockery and badmouthing which build a barrier between the father and his son or the teacher and his student. A king once invited tribes' leaders, and he served them fruits. There was a bowl of water to wash the grapes before eating them, and one of the leaders did not know, so he thought that it was drinkable, and he drank the water, which made the rest of leaders smile sarcastically, but the king realized by his cleverness and wisdom the situation, so he took the bowl and drank water himself, which petrified the guests.

 To sum up this point, do not embarrass a person when he does something, but rather take his side and justify his silly act, for some words are powerful enough to make you win hearts.

The laws of attracting people to you or making them break away from you:

 By the way, I would like to address every person among you who is in a leading position, such as the father, the teacher, the mentor, the store owner, the dean, the hospital manager or the minister to tell you that if you want to be obeyed by those who are lower in position than you, if you want them to surround you with love, if you want them to help you and if you want them to guard you and to carry out all your orders, follow the following Divine Law:

﴾ And by the Mercy of Allah, you dealt with them gently.﴿

[Aal-'Imran, 159]

 Because of this mercy that is settled in your heart O Muhammad, PBUH, you dealt with them gently and this mercy was manifested in leniency.

﴾ And had you been severe and harsh-hearted﴿

[Aal-'Imran, 159]

 Had you been disconnected and far from Allah, your heart would have been filled with harshness which would have been manifested in rough treatment which in its turn would have made people break away from you.

 Well, it is a simple equation: a connection with Allah brings about mercy and leniency and people will surround you with love, whereas turning away from Allah will bring about harshness and roughness and will make people break away from you. Every father, mother, old brother, teacher, store owner and any leader is in dire need of applying this Ayah.

﴾ And by the Mercy of Allah, you dealt with them gently. And had you been severe and harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about you; so pass over (their faults), and ask (Allah's) Forgiveness for them; and consult them in the affairs.﴿

[Aal-'Imran, 159]

((A Bedouin said to the Prophet PBUH once, "Give me from this money, for it is not yours or your father's" to which the Prophet PBUH said, "You are absolutely right, it is the money of Allah."))

Man should neither be too harsh nor too soft towards his son:

 Dear brother, this point reminds me of a very sad story. A man bought new furniture to his guestroom, and his son took a raiser and started tearing the fabric with the raiser, and in few minutes he spoilt the entire furniture. The father was harsh, and he could not accept that reckless act, so he put his son's hands on the table and he started striking them with a stick until they turned blue, then their situation got worse and their color turned black so the doctor said that they had to be cut off. When the son heard that, he said to his father, "O father, let them not cut my hands, please." His father could not handle the situation and his remorse, so he shot himself with his gun. I am not saying that you should be too soft with your child if he does what that child did, but you should know that your son is more precious than the furniture, and though he may commit a big mistake, you should be calm in dealing with the situation.

((Instruct people, and don not rebuke them, for the instructor is better than the rebuker))

[Al-Harith by Abi Hurairah]

((It was narrated from Anas bin Malik that: A Bedouin urinated in the Masjid, and some of the people rushed at him. The Messenger of Allah said: Do not interrupt him. Then he called for a bucket of water and poured it over (the urine).))

 Here is a narration of another incident:

((Mu'awiyah b. al-Hakam al-Sulami said; when I came to the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) I learnt many things about Islam. One of the things that I was taught was that it was pointed out me. When you sneeze, praise Allah (i.e, say "praise be to Allah"); and when someone sneezes and praises Allah, say "May Allah have mercy on you. Meanwhile I was standing along with the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) during prayer, all of a sudden a man sneezed, and he praised Allah. So I said, "may Allah have mercy on you", in a loud voice. The people gave me disapproving looks so much so that I took ill of it. So I said: 'What do you mean by looking at me with furtive glances.'

Then they glorified Allah. When the Prophet (PBUH) finished his prayer, he asked; who was the speaker? The Prophet told him; this Bedouin. The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) called me and said to me: Prayer is meant for the recitation of the Quran, and making mention of Allah. When you are in it (prayer), this should be your work therein. I never saw an instructor more lenient than the Messenger of Allah (PBUH)

The man was so happy that no one killed him for what he said so he said 'O Allah, have mercy on me and Muhammad (PBUH) and do not have mercy on anyone else.' When the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said the Salam, he said to the Bedouin: 'You have limited something vast," meaning the mercy of Allah (the Almighty)."))

The wise man is the one who provides sh3er with security, tranquility and love:

 Be a source of mercy, affection, tranquility and security.

(('Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her) reported: The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Allah is Forbearer and He loves forbearance, and rewards for forbearance while He does not reward severity, and does not give for any thing besides it (forbearance)."))

[Muslim and Abu Dawood by 'Aishah]

 Abdullah bin az-Zubair sent a letter to Mu'awiyah bin Abu Sufian in which he wrote:
 "O Muawiyah", pay attention how he did not call him Amir of the Believers or the Khalifah (Caliph) of the Messenger of Allah, "Your men have entered my land. Stop them, or else I will have to deal with you."
  Muawiyah handed the letter to his son, Yazid, who was sitting next to him. "What do you think we should do?" He asked. "I see that you should send him an army whose head would be in Medina, where he is, and its tail here in Syria, to get you his head," came Yazid's answer. "Otherwise is better," replied Muawiyah, and he dictated the following answer:
 "I have received the letter of the son of a Companion of the Messenger of Allah PBUH. What upsets him upsets me indeed. The whole world is insignificant next to his contentment. I have given up to him the land with whom it carries."
 The letter which Abdullah bin az-Zubair wrote his answer in was as follows:
 "O Amir of the Believers, may Allah prolong your life, and preserve your sense of judgement which has favored this decision of yours."
 Muawiyah handed the letter to his son Yazid who had formerly suggested his father sending an army, saying: "O son! He who pardons, prevails; and he who is indulgent, is magnified; and he who forgives, inclines hearts to himself."
  I know a friend whose father reached the age of 98, and my friend is very fond of him. He serves him devotedly, he sleeps next to him, brings him fruit juice and brings him water and all his needs, but this extraordinary love has a reason: Once this son borrowed his father's car, and he was into a car accident which totaled the car, so he ran away out of fear, but his father did nothing. Three days later, he saw his father who said to him, "Do not worry son, I sold the car, and what happened cannot be undone." This son never forgot that stance of his father, and he kept serving him until he has become old. I am not encouraging you to do the same, but if something wrong has happens, deal with it wisely and be keen on gaining your son, and you can admonish him as you like, but do not be violent to him. This person said to me, "I will never forget my father's favor."

Father's success lies in acquiring his children's love:

 Dear brother, allow me to tell you this fact: In our Islamic culture, every father is respected by the family members, but not every father is loved by them. Thus, your success lies in winning your family's love.

The father should teach his son humility in order to gain people's love:

My final note revolves around the following Hadith: The Prophet PBUH said:

((Get used to a rough life, for luxury does not last forever.))

[From Kashf al Khafaa' by Umar]

 Even if you are rich, teach your children that other families cannot afford fruits, so bring them fruit every three days, and not daily, and they can drink tea instead. Also, do not eat expensive food every day, do that occasionally and eat pasta or other simple food in order to teach your son humility and make him realize that there are other families who are poor.

 I know a very rich man who says to his son, "I will not give you allowance today, so that you may share the poor their feelings." It is not a must to eat fruit every day, and the father should not bring his son everything he asks for, because this will make him acquire bad habits. In other words, if everything is affordable and available, nothing will be good enough for this child's ambitions, and this will make him arrogant and will make people break away from him.

((Get used to a rough life…))

 Even if you are rich, follow the instruction of the Prophet PBUH:

((Get used to a rough life, for luxury does not last forever.))

 The wise father brings his family expensive food occasionally, and he also brings them simple food. Furthermore, he brings them fruits some days, and he does not do that in other days even if he is rich. This method will make the son feel that there is poverty and deprivation in life. Hence, as a father, do not give your son expensive snacks when he goes to school, but let him eat them at home, and instead give him a snack similar to the one brought by the poorest student like an apple or a light snack, for sending expensive food with your son to school and giving him big allowance will spread mischief and envy at school. This is an important part in raising your children psychologically.

 Dear brother, when you resort to these methods, explain to your son why you do so, and tell him that today you will not give him money, so that he will share a poor student his feelings if his father cannot give him money. Believe me your son will survive if he is not given an allowance every day, if he does not eat fruit every day or if he does not eat sweets after lunch every day.

((Get used to a rough life, for luxury does not last forever.))